Spic & Span

i'm an emotional cleaner.

whenever things feel like they're fallin apart at the seems, or if there is somethin or someone i can't get out of my head. when i'm tryin desperately to make sense of somethin or if i'm upset/happy/frustrated/sad, it appears that the mop and broom and sponges are my go to.  some people look for a bag of chips or a carton of ice cream.  me? i'm tryna eradicate all dust bunnies

i've been tryin to sort through some rather complex and perplexin emotions recently. i'm at a place of confusion and hurt. i'm havin some self-doubt and that's the worse type of doubt anyone can have really. it questions your sanity to where you aren't sure of what you're thinkin or what you believe in anymore. so, i've been cleanin. it usually starts with an irresistible urge to wash the dishes.

 ALL OF THEM.  

dirty or clean, i fill up the sinks and go to work. the mindless motion of wash, rinse and  repeat slows down some of the noise and voices in my head. then i move onto the stove and counters. then the floor. you can see where this is goin, right?

i spent the weekend unpackin. i was sortin through and organizin the contents from boxes that i'd prepared to mail before i left home. bein in a new house i needed to find places for things with less space than before to accommodate them. although i'd lost some things durin the storms, i've realized that i still have quite a bit of stuff. but i digress.

the voices and things swilrlin around loudly in my skull are there because i haven't quite come to the place where i want to talk about them.  sure, i've had some discussions with some people that matter to me, but the intensity of the things needs more attention. add also to the fact that i've pretty much been in hidin and no one really knows where i am and it makes it even more challengin to sort through what/how i'm feelin. i'm anxious. i'm worried. i'm annoyed. conflicted. confused. troubled. angry. hurt. resentful. disappointed. and so on and so on and the list grows and grows with each passin day. one day at a time and all that, but for me it's more like one hour, one minute. one thirty second period . . .

cleanin up is usually soothin for me. it's the physical act of cleansin; i feel like as i remove dirt or grime or grease from somethin, i'm also takin it away from me. i'm gettin rid of the clutter in my head or heart that is makin my life feel messy. i'm creatin a clear space for somethin new to inhabit by removin debris and junk and trash. it usually works. this time, not so much.

so, i dust. i mop. i fold. i sweep. i wash, rinse, repeat until my fingers are all wrinkled and my polish is chipped and my hands reek of bleach and pine sol. but the noises quiet down and the voices are silenced and i don't feel like my chest is goin to explode.

for now anyway . . .

Thirsty

so i've been thinkin . . .

been doin that a lot lately, what with no job and all this spare time on my hands now. i've had a lot of time to sit and reflect and examine some things and i've come to a conclusion:

i'm thirsty.

now someone may say well jus grab somethin to drink. if it were so simple then i wouldn't be feelin like i'm dyin of thirst. no, my problem isn't so much the absence of water; it's the lack of watering.

you may have heard the phrase "The grass is greener on the other side." well let me be the first to inform you of what complete and utter bull$%*! that is. first of all, mind your own damn grass. how do you even know what that other grass looks like anyway? furthermore, how do you even know it's real grass? huh? 

grass, as i've come to discover, is some pretty hardy stuff.  it can withstand the blazin sun, torrential rain, freezin cold, breakin wind and tramplin feet.  it can be cut and burned and eaten down and withered to a husk but if/when conditions are optimal, it will thrive and flourish. how about that? it can grow in the harshest of environments, in places where it has no business even bein rooted, where there is so slim a chance of survival. but it somehow finds a way.  go grass.

so now back to this phrase. you know what the problem is with this phrase? it makes you want to compare. it distracts you from the thing that is right in front of you. it obscures your focus and makes you believe that what you have isn't good enough. so you're all like, "what's wrong with my grass?" then your attention strays. you begin to see things that aren't really there or that you may have overlooked before. you judge. you undermine. you neglect. and soon, that ole fake grass on the other side really does look greener. it's taller and more plush; fuller, prettier. better.

or is it?

see, there's nothing wrong with your grass. or your fence. and looks really can be deceivin. the truth is you don't really know anythin about that grass. and you may get on that other side and realize it's really painted rocks. or broken glass. or a pile of rags. so i go back to what i said earlier: mind your own damn grass.

when i left home, my mom had jus had her yard trimmed. it was vastly overgrown when we first moved in and was really high. the pathway from the bottom of the stairs and driveway and to the front door were all but hidden under they swayin stalks. we walked on top of some, over some and around some to get to where we needed to go. but the grass prevailed. it kept right on growin and thrivin and didn't pay us one bit of mind. because it did't really need us to grow. it was here first. we met it here when we came. but it needed to be nurtured and cared for and taken care of. so that's what mom did.

there is NOTHING wrong with my grass. it was growin and thrivin and doin it's own thing all fine by itself. it was here when others came along. it's beautiful grass. and people wanted to lay claim to it. but if you're gonna stake a fence around a patch of grass, then dammit, take care of it. be gentle with it. nurture it. have the patience to trim back the weeds and undergrowth. and above all, water it.

because grass really doesn't need anyone to take care of it. it's a survivor. that's what grass does. it survives. in spite of all the things that can and often will happen to hinder it's progress, it doesn't quit. it keeps on tryin its best to grow. and thrive. and flourish. but it will accept your help. and patience and gentleness. your kindness and tender lovin care. 

the grass isn't greener because it's on the other side. it looks greener because you didn't take the time to water yours.

the grass is green where you water it . . . so mind your own damn grass.

it may jus be thirsty.