Back at One

so, here i am again. have you ever looked at your life and thought, "this is sooo not where i expected/thought i would be right now?"  well i find myself doin jus that quite often as of late.  i have not givin up completely and admittingly, that would be the much easier way out. bein the woman that i am, however, does not interpret easy. i still haven't quite figured out how to do things half-assed.  in most ways, that's a very good thing.  so as i sit here and listen to the first wave of weather that may or may not develop into a hurricane, i find myself in this contemplative place in my mind where i try to understand how i ended up here.  emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually. i guess that's why they say if you want to make God smile, tell Him your plans . . .

all things considered, i could be a lot worse off.  i'm still not employed full time, still tryin to figure out if it's worth it dealin with the opposite sex, still tryin to cope with bein back home in the islands and everythin that entails.  but like i've learned, it could always be worse.  and so i find myself doin "mindless" activities so that my synapses are always firin away and so i can actually sleep at night. insomnia is always on the fringes of my consciousness, waitin for the witchin hour to barrage my brain with all the random, unprocessed thoughts i've managed to avoid these past couple of months.

i'm still a work in progress and there are still things i wish would have worked out a different way. but every experience is a lesson; it may take us some time to work out jus what the lesson was, or we may not ever understand it. hopefully, i'll get to that place in my life where it finally begins to make sense. until then, i'm kinda stuck in the "what if?" round-about/intersection of figurin things out. wonderin how things would have turned out if only one thing in an encounter/experience was different. but isn't that how life goes? always pinnin away for that other grass? what if we realize it's all the same grass, but perhaps jus a different fence? hmmm . . .