Back at One

so, here i am again. have you ever looked at your life and thought, "this is sooo not where i expected/thought i would be right now?"  well i find myself doin jus that quite often as of late.  i have not givin up completely and admittingly, that would be the much easier way out. bein the woman that i am, however, does not interpret easy. i still haven't quite figured out how to do things half-assed.  in most ways, that's a very good thing.  so as i sit here and listen to the first wave of weather that may or may not develop into a hurricane, i find myself in this contemplative place in my mind where i try to understand how i ended up here.  emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually. i guess that's why they say if you want to make God smile, tell Him your plans . . .

all things considered, i could be a lot worse off.  i'm still not employed full time, still tryin to figure out if it's worth it dealin with the opposite sex, still tryin to cope with bein back home in the islands and everythin that entails.  but like i've learned, it could always be worse.  and so i find myself doin "mindless" activities so that my synapses are always firin away and so i can actually sleep at night. insomnia is always on the fringes of my consciousness, waitin for the witchin hour to barrage my brain with all the random, unprocessed thoughts i've managed to avoid these past couple of months.

i'm still a work in progress and there are still things i wish would have worked out a different way. but every experience is a lesson; it may take us some time to work out jus what the lesson was, or we may not ever understand it. hopefully, i'll get to that place in my life where it finally begins to make sense. until then, i'm kinda stuck in the "what if?" round-about/intersection of figurin things out. wonderin how things would have turned out if only one thing in an encounter/experience was different. but isn't that how life goes? always pinnin away for that other grass? what if we realize it's all the same grass, but perhaps jus a different fence? hmmm . . . 

Reasons

i have been a very bad blogger.  good thing this isn't a payin gig, huh?  well life goes on here, much as it has been goin on in the whole wide world.  challenges arise and are either met or shied away from. 

last time i was here, i was still hopeful and relatively optimistic about several things.  i humbly announce that most of that has changed and not necessarily for the better.  as i previously stated, there's a reason why i'm a skeptical romantic.  the idea of bein in a relationship and sharin parts of your life and self with another is at times, grandly appealin.  then you realize it's only appealin in theory. unless you are honest with and appreciate yourself, you are in no position to be honest with or appreciate another person.  that bein said, you can at least make a concentrated effort if you are truly well and tired of bein alone and sincerely desire to participate in the interactions which make up a relationship.  it all begins with YOU.  acceptance and forgiveness of past misdeeds/mistakes are the first steps in repairin any damage you may need to release before you present yourself as a prospect for romantic involvement.  you must be able to talk about and express your own emotions before you can attempt to process those of anyone else. 

now, please don't think that i'm some perfect poster-child for relationships.  re-read the above paragraph and fill in the blanks as needed.  i can however admit that i am still workin on some of the very things which have seemed to cause a sudden rift in the development of my new "relationship" and can also add that hey, it really wasn't me this time.  i know i have issues that are still quite unresolved, but i'm human and i really am workin on them.  but i have achieved that place of acknowledgement of my flaws, faults and shortcomings.  i know what i still have to work on and i have accepted that this is me and i may still be too much to handle. but at least i'm tryin.

so, if you must know, i haven't been in contact with previously mentioned beau in about a month.  i am respectin the request made by said beau and although i am quite confused by words and actions of this person, i have glimpsed where and why these things have come to pass in the manner they have. it would be easy to jus say eff this and move on, but when have i ever done somethin that was easy for me? it sucks bein an empathetic person, so although i'm not sittin by the phone twiddlin my thumbs, i cannot seem to summon the bitterness that i used to have.  if/when our paths cross again (as they inevitably will livin on such a small island), the light within me will smile and say hello.  i'm still a lady after all.  and skeptic though i may be, i'll admit i'm still hopeful that next time, things will be different.

guess we'll see . . .