so, here i am again. have you ever looked at your life and thought, "this is sooo not where i expected/thought i would be right now?" well i find myself doin jus that quite often as of late. i have not givin up completely and admittingly, that would be the much easier way out. bein the woman that i am, however, does not interpret easy. i still haven't quite figured out how to do things half-assed. in most ways, that's a very good thing. so as i sit here and listen to the first wave of weather that may or may not develop into a hurricane, i find myself in this contemplative place in my mind where i try to understand how i ended up here. emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually. i guess that's why they say if you want to make God smile, tell Him your plans . . .
all things considered, i could be a lot worse off. i'm still not employed full time, still tryin to figure out if it's worth it dealin with the opposite sex, still tryin to cope with bein back home in the islands and everythin that entails. but like i've learned, it could always be worse. and so i find myself doin "mindless" activities so that my synapses are always firin away and so i can actually sleep at night. insomnia is always on the fringes of my consciousness, waitin for the witchin hour to barrage my brain with all the random, unprocessed thoughts i've managed to avoid these past couple of months.
i'm still a work in progress and there are still things i wish would have worked out a different way. but every experience is a lesson; it may take us some time to work out jus what the lesson was, or we may not ever understand it. hopefully, i'll get to that place in my life where it finally begins to make sense. until then, i'm kinda stuck in the "what if?" round-about/intersection of figurin things out. wonderin how things would have turned out if only one thing in an encounter/experience was different. but isn't that how life goes? always pinnin away for that other grass? what if we realize it's all the same grass, but perhaps jus a different fence? hmmm . . .
22 August, 2012
04 June, 2012
Reasons
i have been a very bad blogger. good thing this isn't a payin gig, huh? well life goes on here, much as it has been goin on in the whole wide world. challenges arise and are either met or shied away from.
last time i was here, i was still hopeful and relatively optimistic about several things. i humbly announce that most of that has changed and not necessarily for the better. as i previously stated, there's a reason why i'm a skeptical romantic. the idea of bein in a relationship and sharin parts of your life and self with another is at times, grandly appealin. then you realize it's only appealin in theory. unless you are honest with and appreciate yourself, you are in no position to be honest with or appreciate another person. that bein said, you can at least make a concentrated effort if you are truly well and tired of bein alone and sincerely desire to participate in the interactions which make up a relationship. it all begins with YOU. acceptance and forgiveness of past misdeeds/mistakes are the first steps in repairin any damage you may need to release before you present yourself as a prospect for romantic involvement. you must be able to talk about and express your own emotions before you can attempt to process those of anyone else.
now, please don't think that i'm some perfect poster-child for relationships. re-read the above paragraph and fill in the blanks as needed. i can however admit that i am still workin on some of the very things which have seemed to cause a sudden rift in the development of my new "relationship" and can also add that hey, it really wasn't me this time. i know i have issues that are still quite unresolved, but i'm human and i really am workin on them. but i have achieved that place of acknowledgement of my flaws, faults and shortcomings. i know what i still have to work on and i have accepted that this is me and i may still be too much to handle. but at least i'm tryin.
so, if you must know, i haven't been in contact with previously mentioned beau in about a month. i am respectin the request made by said beau and although i am quite confused by words and actions of this person, i have glimpsed where and why these things have come to pass in the manner they have. it would be easy to jus say eff this and move on, but when have i ever done somethin that was easy for me? it sucks bein an empathetic person, so although i'm not sittin by the phone twiddlin my thumbs, i cannot seem to summon the bitterness that i used to have. if/when our paths cross again (as they inevitably will livin on such a small island), the light within me will smile and say hello. i'm still a lady after all. and skeptic though i may be, i'll admit i'm still hopeful that next time, things will be different.
guess we'll see . . .
last time i was here, i was still hopeful and relatively optimistic about several things. i humbly announce that most of that has changed and not necessarily for the better. as i previously stated, there's a reason why i'm a skeptical romantic. the idea of bein in a relationship and sharin parts of your life and self with another is at times, grandly appealin. then you realize it's only appealin in theory. unless you are honest with and appreciate yourself, you are in no position to be honest with or appreciate another person. that bein said, you can at least make a concentrated effort if you are truly well and tired of bein alone and sincerely desire to participate in the interactions which make up a relationship. it all begins with YOU. acceptance and forgiveness of past misdeeds/mistakes are the first steps in repairin any damage you may need to release before you present yourself as a prospect for romantic involvement. you must be able to talk about and express your own emotions before you can attempt to process those of anyone else.
now, please don't think that i'm some perfect poster-child for relationships. re-read the above paragraph and fill in the blanks as needed. i can however admit that i am still workin on some of the very things which have seemed to cause a sudden rift in the development of my new "relationship" and can also add that hey, it really wasn't me this time. i know i have issues that are still quite unresolved, but i'm human and i really am workin on them. but i have achieved that place of acknowledgement of my flaws, faults and shortcomings. i know what i still have to work on and i have accepted that this is me and i may still be too much to handle. but at least i'm tryin.
so, if you must know, i haven't been in contact with previously mentioned beau in about a month. i am respectin the request made by said beau and although i am quite confused by words and actions of this person, i have glimpsed where and why these things have come to pass in the manner they have. it would be easy to jus say eff this and move on, but when have i ever done somethin that was easy for me? it sucks bein an empathetic person, so although i'm not sittin by the phone twiddlin my thumbs, i cannot seem to summon the bitterness that i used to have. if/when our paths cross again (as they inevitably will livin on such a small island), the light within me will smile and say hello. i'm still a lady after all. and skeptic though i may be, i'll admit i'm still hopeful that next time, things will be different.
guess we'll see . . .
12 April, 2012
Patience
so, it's been a month to the day since i last said somethin. and trust me, i have plenty to say. as of my last entry, i lost my job, gained a very handsome prospect for a relationship and finally got my crate full of things from my old life. so i've jus been kinda chillin. on a sabbatical of sorts. i could complain about how much it sucks bein out of work, but i'm not. i could rave on and on about my new beau, but i'm not gonna do that either. i could even complain about tryin to decompress from sortin through all the boxes and bags in my crate. but y'all don't wanna hear any of that, right?
so as i've been sittin here for the past month, i've been doin some introspection and jus takin stock of myself, as a person. i've rediscovered that i have an amazingly supportive and understandin woman for my mother. i've learned that my sixteen year old "baby" sister is funny and smart and interestin at times, as well as a typical moody teenager. my family is warm and open, old friends are pretty much the same as they were when i left home. and while some of the landscape is different, it's still home, sweet, home.
i'm not worried about workin. i know that i'm employable and when the right job opens up for me, i'll get it. i haven't exactly been slouchin around all day, eatin bon bons and watchin reruns on tv. i have been to the grindstone but with the local government here seemingly on the very verge of collapse, there's been a hirin freeze within most of the departments. but, there's always the hotels. or restaurants. or jewelry stores. or any of the other tourist-oriented venues here set up to make money.
i'll find somethin. or like last time i looked, somethin will find me. isn't that usually what happens when you're not lookin? somethin totally unexpected or unassumin or wonderful jus kinda falls into your lap? sounds like my new beau . . .
but y'all don't wanna hear about that, right?
so as i've been sittin here for the past month, i've been doin some introspection and jus takin stock of myself, as a person. i've rediscovered that i have an amazingly supportive and understandin woman for my mother. i've learned that my sixteen year old "baby" sister is funny and smart and interestin at times, as well as a typical moody teenager. my family is warm and open, old friends are pretty much the same as they were when i left home. and while some of the landscape is different, it's still home, sweet, home.
i'm not worried about workin. i know that i'm employable and when the right job opens up for me, i'll get it. i haven't exactly been slouchin around all day, eatin bon bons and watchin reruns on tv. i have been to the grindstone but with the local government here seemingly on the very verge of collapse, there's been a hirin freeze within most of the departments. but, there's always the hotels. or restaurants. or jewelry stores. or any of the other tourist-oriented venues here set up to make money.
i'll find somethin. or like last time i looked, somethin will find me. isn't that usually what happens when you're not lookin? somethin totally unexpected or unassumin or wonderful jus kinda falls into your lap? sounds like my new beau . . .
but y'all don't wanna hear about that, right?
12 March, 2012
Tested
"no good deed goes unpunished..."
if you're ever tried to help someone or tried to find your way out of a difficult situation, you may have experienced this. it seems like the more you try to be a good person, the more things seem to go wrong for you. whether you believe in a higher power or not, whether you believe in karma or not, whether you believe in coincidence or not, there are times when everything that can or will go wrong does. that doesn't mean, however, that you stop being the person you know you are and give in to despair or cease to do the things you know to be good or right. it is in times such as these, that you cling even stronger to your morals. that you believe even more in your higher power. that you search even deeper within yourself and find the resolve to see the good works you began through to the end. it will not be easy. you may not have help. you may not even be acknowledged for your efforts . . .
but, you do it anyway.
in the end, you will be a stronger person. more resolute and determined to make a difference in the lives of others. more faith-filled and faithful. the things that happen to us may or may not have been the result of something we did. for every action there is an equal reaction, but the key is to be proactive instead of reactive. we need to realize that we have been and will be tested so we can have a testimony. so we can share our experiences of how we strengthened ourselves in order to offer strength to others. we go through the fire to show ourselves approved, to be cleansed and purified. refined. you may feel like a piece of coal now, but remember that when pressure is applied to coal, it creates a diamond.
be prepared to watch me sparkle and shine . . .
if you're ever tried to help someone or tried to find your way out of a difficult situation, you may have experienced this. it seems like the more you try to be a good person, the more things seem to go wrong for you. whether you believe in a higher power or not, whether you believe in karma or not, whether you believe in coincidence or not, there are times when everything that can or will go wrong does. that doesn't mean, however, that you stop being the person you know you are and give in to despair or cease to do the things you know to be good or right. it is in times such as these, that you cling even stronger to your morals. that you believe even more in your higher power. that you search even deeper within yourself and find the resolve to see the good works you began through to the end. it will not be easy. you may not have help. you may not even be acknowledged for your efforts . . .
but, you do it anyway.
in the end, you will be a stronger person. more resolute and determined to make a difference in the lives of others. more faith-filled and faithful. the things that happen to us may or may not have been the result of something we did. for every action there is an equal reaction, but the key is to be proactive instead of reactive. we need to realize that we have been and will be tested so we can have a testimony. so we can share our experiences of how we strengthened ourselves in order to offer strength to others. we go through the fire to show ourselves approved, to be cleansed and purified. refined. you may feel like a piece of coal now, but remember that when pressure is applied to coal, it creates a diamond.
be prepared to watch me sparkle and shine . . .
26 February, 2012
Deciding
so, i met someone. i was mindin my own business, while at work no less, and in walked him. have you ever seen someone and you just knew that this person was gonna be in your life for a while? well, that's what happened. now of course, bein a skeptic, i wasn't sure how this meetin was gonna play out. see, i've been in a quite similar situation. a few years ago i met another someone and knew from the moment our eyes met, somethin was bound to happen. and happen it did, just not in the way or manner i had initially hoped.
well, here i am again. and as i took notice of this someone i was pleasantly surprised that this someone had also noticed me. even though i was at work. even though i wasn't all dolled up or decked out like i am if i plan to go out. and even though other people have noticed me before, this was different. somethin clicked. somethin sparked and sizzled. and i think it's safe to say i like it.
so this should be the part where i get all excited and have flutters of anticipation. this should be where i can't wait until the next time i get to see this someone or talk to them. where my phone chimes with a text or rings with a selected tone so i know exactly who is tryin to reach me, and i can't stop smilin. it's supposed to be where we are tryin to spend time gettin to know each other better and clear our schedules so we can have time to be together.
i'm happy to report that we have been doin exactly that . . .
well, here i am again. and as i took notice of this someone i was pleasantly surprised that this someone had also noticed me. even though i was at work. even though i wasn't all dolled up or decked out like i am if i plan to go out. and even though other people have noticed me before, this was different. somethin clicked. somethin sparked and sizzled. and i think it's safe to say i like it.
so this should be the part where i get all excited and have flutters of anticipation. this should be where i can't wait until the next time i get to see this someone or talk to them. where my phone chimes with a text or rings with a selected tone so i know exactly who is tryin to reach me, and i can't stop smilin. it's supposed to be where we are tryin to spend time gettin to know each other better and clear our schedules so we can have time to be together.
i'm happy to report that we have been doin exactly that . . .
18 February, 2012
The New Toy
watch kids play. they take their time, perusin the toys in the box. sometimes they share, sometimes they don't. there are kids who like to play alone and then there are those who will form little groups. some are swappers and others prefer to not look in the box at all. either way, most of the toys get a turn. but then, there is the new toy. it's that elusive object that you may have had your eye on, that someone else is hoggin all to themselves. it's that toy that seems shiny and new and unused. and all of a sudden, EVERYONE wants a turn. suddenly, there are yelps and screams and cries for this fascinatin item . . .
meet the new toy.
it's been quite a while since i've actually lived here. i've been home on yearly visits, but now that i'm here to stay it seems like i'm gettin a lot of attention. i'm usually mindin my own business and along will come some person (read guy). this person may try to strike up a conversation or just say somethin "witty" or "charmin". and me being me, i have realized that it takes quite a bit of courage to not only approach a lady, but to actually talk to her. this means that i'm gonna participate. i may smile, i may laugh but i always try to say somethin. you can't imagine the looks of relief i get when i do somethin as simple as acknowledgin that someone is talkin to me. it's crazy how appreciative people (read guys) are when you reply to "hello" or "good mornin" or "how are you?" it's insane!
but by far, the most interestin reaction to me simply bein myself, is how other people (read women) respond. apparently, i missed the memo about not speakin. i'm not supposed to be approachable or cordial. i'm not supposed to smile, or laugh, or reply to any words or gestures made towards me. i'm not supposed to be the one to initiate any encounters either. this confounds me.
i'm not out to break up any relationships nor to lead anyone on. i am just bein me. i can't help it if guys seem to sense that i'm not gonna roll my eyes or walk away the minute they stand next to me or open their mouths. i like people. i like talkin to people and meetin new people. i like laughin and smilin and makin people comfortable.
new toy in the toybox . . .
meet the new toy.
it's been quite a while since i've actually lived here. i've been home on yearly visits, but now that i'm here to stay it seems like i'm gettin a lot of attention. i'm usually mindin my own business and along will come some person (read guy). this person may try to strike up a conversation or just say somethin "witty" or "charmin". and me being me, i have realized that it takes quite a bit of courage to not only approach a lady, but to actually talk to her. this means that i'm gonna participate. i may smile, i may laugh but i always try to say somethin. you can't imagine the looks of relief i get when i do somethin as simple as acknowledgin that someone is talkin to me. it's crazy how appreciative people (read guys) are when you reply to "hello" or "good mornin" or "how are you?" it's insane!
but by far, the most interestin reaction to me simply bein myself, is how other people (read women) respond. apparently, i missed the memo about not speakin. i'm not supposed to be approachable or cordial. i'm not supposed to smile, or laugh, or reply to any words or gestures made towards me. i'm not supposed to be the one to initiate any encounters either. this confounds me.
i'm not out to break up any relationships nor to lead anyone on. i am just bein me. i can't help it if guys seem to sense that i'm not gonna roll my eyes or walk away the minute they stand next to me or open their mouths. i like people. i like talkin to people and meetin new people. i like laughin and smilin and makin people comfortable.
new toy in the toybox . . .
10 January, 2012
Undecided
so, i've been back home for almost two months now. i've been out with my sister a few times, strolled around solo a few times and i must say, the only eye~candy to be seen are when there are cruise ships. seriously. even if i was considerin the whole datin thing, how in the world am i supposed to be inspired if there aren't any prospects? i used to laugh at my sister all the time when she would lament this to me. but i don't think i really believed her. i thought she was just exaggeratin it. now i see for myself.
*sigh*
so, while the thought of even bein friendlier has crossed my mind, i must admit i'm havin second thoughts. see the problem with bein back home and wantin to date is, well, there are quite a few problems with this. first, the pickings are uber~slim (read married). second, the guys are uber~young. third, the ones that aren't too young are loaded with issues (read kids, baby mamas, girlfriends, wives . . .). and finally, if they aren't a combination of the above mentioned, then it's someone you went to school with who acts like they are still in school and thinks you don't know anythin about the things i just said.
*shakin my head*
now don't get me wrong; it was by no means any easier for me livin in the states. but by bein back at home, i have cut my chances at meetin someone i'd even consider by more than half. livin in such a small geographical location leaves much to be desired when one is on the lookout. and some of us refuse to settle or share. and that's pretty much what your options are here.
so what's a girl to do . . .
*sigh*
so, while the thought of even bein friendlier has crossed my mind, i must admit i'm havin second thoughts. see the problem with bein back home and wantin to date is, well, there are quite a few problems with this. first, the pickings are uber~slim (read married). second, the guys are uber~young. third, the ones that aren't too young are loaded with issues (read kids, baby mamas, girlfriends, wives . . .). and finally, if they aren't a combination of the above mentioned, then it's someone you went to school with who acts like they are still in school and thinks you don't know anythin about the things i just said.
*shakin my head*
now don't get me wrong; it was by no means any easier for me livin in the states. but by bein back at home, i have cut my chances at meetin someone i'd even consider by more than half. livin in such a small geographical location leaves much to be desired when one is on the lookout. and some of us refuse to settle or share. and that's pretty much what your options are here.
so what's a girl to do . . .
08 January, 2012
One of those Days
have you ever woken up and before you even get out of the bed, you just knew that the day is gonna suck? well, today kinda seemed like it would be like that, but i decided i didn't want that kinda day. yesterday was okay; i actually went to work and spent the rest of the afternoon with my mom and sister. we had lunch and watched a marathon of the "Ghost Whisperer". marathons are exhaustin, even if it is a show you like to watch. by the time we got home, i was tired and just felt kind of bummed out. not too sure why the melancholy, but it was there and it went to bed with me. so when i got up today, i felt like i didn't want to get out of bed. i just wanted to lay there and wallow. i have no idea where the pity party came from. no clue as to why i suddenly felt all 'woe is me'. so i closed my eyes, took some deep breaths and said ' let's try this again, shall we?'
*breathe in, breathe out*
so after goin to church, i'm here and although i can still feel the sourness lingerin, i'm not gonna let it ruin the rest of my lovely day. it's gorgeous here; the sun is shinin, the waters are azure blue and life is good, even when you don't feel like it is . . .
*breathe in, breathe out*
so after goin to church, i'm here and although i can still feel the sourness lingerin, i'm not gonna let it ruin the rest of my lovely day. it's gorgeous here; the sun is shinin, the waters are azure blue and life is good, even when you don't feel like it is . . .
07 January, 2012
Quality Time
yesterday, i had planned to do some writin. with all the free time i now have, i figured hey, why not? so i was sittin here, fiddlin on the computer (read tweetin and vistin albums on facebook) and as soon as i was about to get to work, my baby sister comes out of her room.
"wanna go with me today?" i look around to be sure that A: i hadn't dozed off and B: that there was no one else in the room
"um, where are we going?"
"to sing."
if anyone knows me, they know i love to sing. the most shockin thing about this whole situation was the invitation. see, my sister is still in high school. and while my yearly visits have always been a pleasure, i think she's still gettin used to the idea that i'm not leavin this time. she is still processin the fact that i won't be packin up my bags to head off to the airport come sunrise. so i took her up on her invitation to go sing.
we spent most of the day drivin from house to house. turns out, the singin i was invited to do was to go carolin. to go singin with my sister and our church's youth group to some of the elderly that used to attend our church. and while you may be thinkin, "but CHRISTmas is loooong gone already, this here is paradise and yesterday happened to be a local holiday. tradition dictates that for twelve days after CHRISTmas, families still exhange gifts, which represents the trip of the Magi to visit the baby Jesus. the twelfth day after CHRISTmas is called "Three Kings Day" for that reason. so i got to see more of my island home than i have seen in a very long time, i got to sing CHRISTmas carols all day and i got to spend time with my not so baby sister. and it was all her idea. how nice was that?
"wanna go with me today?" i look around to be sure that A: i hadn't dozed off and B: that there was no one else in the room
"um, where are we going?"
"to sing."
if anyone knows me, they know i love to sing. the most shockin thing about this whole situation was the invitation. see, my sister is still in high school. and while my yearly visits have always been a pleasure, i think she's still gettin used to the idea that i'm not leavin this time. she is still processin the fact that i won't be packin up my bags to head off to the airport come sunrise. so i took her up on her invitation to go sing.
we spent most of the day drivin from house to house. turns out, the singin i was invited to do was to go carolin. to go singin with my sister and our church's youth group to some of the elderly that used to attend our church. and while you may be thinkin, "but CHRISTmas is loooong gone already, this here is paradise and yesterday happened to be a local holiday. tradition dictates that for twelve days after CHRISTmas, families still exhange gifts, which represents the trip of the Magi to visit the baby Jesus. the twelfth day after CHRISTmas is called "Three Kings Day" for that reason. so i got to see more of my island home than i have seen in a very long time, i got to sing CHRISTmas carols all day and i got to spend time with my not so baby sister. and it was all her idea. how nice was that?
06 January, 2012
Workin
yesterday was a very productive day. i was online pokin around for a little bit, then i decided to get some writin done. i checked some emails, did a little browsin at some sites i haven't been on in a while, then i had breakfast. i got my little notebook out and popped in my zip drive. i sat for a few minutes to focus, to get my mind back to the place i'd left off from the day before and then i was ready. i played a round of Zuma first though, hee hee. but once i started typin, the words just flowed. they usually do when i get on my keyboard. one of the best things about bein home is i'm like in chill mode. there is no hurryin or scurryin around, no real deadlines or major projects needin my immediate attention. so even if i decide to spend all mornin on a beach somewhere, i still have the rest of the day. or vice versa.
*sigh*
why didn't i do this sooner?
*sigh*
why didn't i do this sooner?
04 January, 2012
Daydreamin . . .
and the sky is pearly grey. it's should be foggy, it should be windy but this here is paradise and the grey won't last forever.
the sun will come out, maybe tomorrow. maybe in an hour. or by the time i get done here. who's to say? i have no control over the weather and even less control of how or where my thoughts will take me.
so i sit, i watch the clouds rollin over the hills, over the waters in the bay, out to the open water. no rhyme or reason to where it came from or where it's goin. kind of like my train of thoughts today.
but that's fine. because this here is pardise. and the grey won't last forever.
but who's to say?
AEW~ CT
the sun will come out, maybe tomorrow. maybe in an hour. or by the time i get done here. who's to say? i have no control over the weather and even less control of how or where my thoughts will take me.
so i sit, i watch the clouds rollin over the hills, over the waters in the bay, out to the open water. no rhyme or reason to where it came from or where it's goin. kind of like my train of thoughts today.
but that's fine. because this here is pardise. and the grey won't last forever.
but who's to say?
AEW~ CT
03 January, 2012
Happy New Year
so, it's 2012. and i have embarked on a new adventure. right before Thanksgiving, i relocated back home. and while to some that may not seem like such a big deal, i haven't lived at home in 12 years. yeah, exactly. so now here i am in a sort of familiar place, with very familiar people, relearnin how to live on "island time".
the pace here is slow compared to livin in the city. but this is not a complaint; more like a sigh of relief. all the hustle and bustle of the states has melted away and while i miss certain conveniences, the pros outweigh the cons for me. i can only speak for myself about bein glad to be back. most people were like, "you came back here?" or simply "why?" funny, but those were the same questions my friends in the states or other people have asked me whenever i told them where i was from. people are hilarious.
so, here i am. i was able to spend Thanksgiving, my birthday, CHRISTmas, and New Years with my family. somethin i haven't done consecutively in 12 years. seems to me like this year is off to a very good start . . .
the pace here is slow compared to livin in the city. but this is not a complaint; more like a sigh of relief. all the hustle and bustle of the states has melted away and while i miss certain conveniences, the pros outweigh the cons for me. i can only speak for myself about bein glad to be back. most people were like, "you came back here?" or simply "why?" funny, but those were the same questions my friends in the states or other people have asked me whenever i told them where i was from. people are hilarious.
so, here i am. i was able to spend Thanksgiving, my birthday, CHRISTmas, and New Years with my family. somethin i haven't done consecutively in 12 years. seems to me like this year is off to a very good start . . .
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