i'm an emotional cleaner.
whenever things feel like they're fallin apart at the seems, or if there is somethin or someone i can't get out of my head. when i'm tryin desperately to make sense of somethin or if i'm upset/happy/frustrated/sad, it appears that the mop and broom and sponges are my go to. some people look for a bag of chips or a carton of ice cream. me? i'm tryna eradicate all dust bunnies
i've been tryin to sort through some rather complex and perplexin emotions recently. i'm at a place of confusion and hurt. i'm havin some self-doubt and that's the worse type of doubt anyone can have really. it questions your sanity to where you aren't sure of what you're thinkin or what you believe in anymore. so, i've been cleanin. it usually starts with an irresistible urge to wash the dishes.
ALL OF THEM.
dirty or clean, i fill up the sinks and go to work. the mindless motion of wash, rinse and repeat slows down some of the noise and voices in my head. then i move onto the stove and counters. then the floor. you can see where this is goin, right?
i spent the weekend unpackin. i was sortin through and organizin the contents from boxes that i'd prepared to mail before i left home. bein in a new house i needed to find places for things with less space than before to accommodate them. although i'd lost some things durin the storms, i've realized that i still have quite a bit of stuff. but i digress.
the voices and things swilrlin around loudly in my skull are there because i haven't quite come to the place where i want to talk about them. sure, i've had some discussions with some people that matter to me, but the intensity of the things needs more attention. add also to the fact that i've pretty much been in hidin and no one really knows where i am and it makes it even more challengin to sort through what/how i'm feelin. i'm anxious. i'm worried. i'm annoyed. conflicted. confused. troubled. angry. hurt. resentful. disappointed. and so on and so on and the list grows and grows with each passin day. one day at a time and all that, but for me it's more like one hour, one minute. one thirty second period . . .
cleanin up is usually soothin for me. it's the physical act of cleansin; i feel like as i remove dirt or grime or grease from somethin, i'm also takin it away from me. i'm gettin rid of the clutter in my head or heart that is makin my life feel messy. i'm creatin a clear space for somethin new to inhabit by removin debris and junk and trash. it usually works. this time, not so much.
so, i dust. i mop. i fold. i sweep. i wash, rinse, repeat until my fingers are all wrinkled and my polish is chipped and my hands reek of bleach and pine sol. but the noises quiet down and the voices are silenced and i don't feel like my chest is goin to explode.
for now anyway . . .
29 January, 2018
25 January, 2018
Thirsty
so i've been thinkin . . .
been doin that a lot lately, what with no job and all this spare time on my hands now. i've had a lot of time to sit and reflect and examine some things and i've come to a conclusion:
i'm thirsty.
now someone may say well jus grab somethin to drink. if it were so simple then i wouldn't be feelin like i'm dyin of thirst. no, my problem isn't so much the absence of water; it's the lack of watering.
you may have heard the phrase "The grass is greener on the other side." well let me be the first to inform you of what complete and utter bull$%*! that is. first of all, mind your own damn grass. how do you even know what that other grass looks like anyway? furthermore, how do you even know it's real grass? huh?
grass, as i've come to discover, is some pretty hardy stuff. it can withstand the blazin sun, torrential rain, freezin cold, breakin wind and tramplin feet. it can be cut and burned and eaten down and withered to a husk but if/when conditions are optimal, it will thrive and flourish. how about that? it can grow in the harshest of environments, in places where it has no business even bein rooted, where there is so slim a chance of survival. but it somehow finds a way. go grass.
so now back to this phrase. you know what the problem is with this phrase? it makes you want to compare. it distracts you from the thing that is right in front of you. it obscures your focus and makes you believe that what you have isn't good enough. so you're all like, "what's wrong with my grass?" then your attention strays. you begin to see things that aren't really there or that you may have overlooked before. you judge. you undermine. you neglect. and soon, that ole fake grass on the other side really does look greener. it's taller and more plush; fuller, prettier. better.
or is it?
see, there's nothing wrong with your grass. or your fence. and looks really can be deceivin. the truth is you don't really know anythin about that grass. and you may get on that other side and realize it's really painted rocks. or broken glass. or a pile of rags. so i go back to what i said earlier: mind your own damn grass.
when i left home, my mom had jus had her yard trimmed. it was vastly overgrown when we first moved in and was really high. the pathway from the bottom of the stairs and driveway and to the front door were all but hidden under they swayin stalks. we walked on top of some, over some and around some to get to where we needed to go. but the grass prevailed. it kept right on growin and thrivin and didn't pay us one bit of mind. because it did't really need us to grow. it was here first. we met it here when we came. but it needed to be nurtured and cared for and taken care of. so that's what mom did.
there is NOTHING wrong with my grass. it was growin and thrivin and doin it's own thing all fine by itself. it was here when others came along. it's beautiful grass. and people wanted to lay claim to it. but if you're gonna stake a fence around a patch of grass, then dammit, take care of it. be gentle with it. nurture it. have the patience to trim back the weeds and undergrowth. and above all, water it.
because grass really doesn't need anyone to take care of it. it's a survivor. that's what grass does. it survives. in spite of all the things that can and often will happen to hinder it's progress, it doesn't quit. it keeps on tryin its best to grow. and thrive. and flourish. but it will accept your help. and patience and gentleness. your kindness and tender lovin care.
the grass isn't greener because it's on the other side. it looks greener because you didn't take the time to water yours.
the grass is green where you water it . . . so mind your own damn grass.
it may jus be thirsty.
been doin that a lot lately, what with no job and all this spare time on my hands now. i've had a lot of time to sit and reflect and examine some things and i've come to a conclusion:
i'm thirsty.
now someone may say well jus grab somethin to drink. if it were so simple then i wouldn't be feelin like i'm dyin of thirst. no, my problem isn't so much the absence of water; it's the lack of watering.
you may have heard the phrase "The grass is greener on the other side." well let me be the first to inform you of what complete and utter bull$%*! that is. first of all, mind your own damn grass. how do you even know what that other grass looks like anyway? furthermore, how do you even know it's real grass? huh?
grass, as i've come to discover, is some pretty hardy stuff. it can withstand the blazin sun, torrential rain, freezin cold, breakin wind and tramplin feet. it can be cut and burned and eaten down and withered to a husk but if/when conditions are optimal, it will thrive and flourish. how about that? it can grow in the harshest of environments, in places where it has no business even bein rooted, where there is so slim a chance of survival. but it somehow finds a way. go grass.
so now back to this phrase. you know what the problem is with this phrase? it makes you want to compare. it distracts you from the thing that is right in front of you. it obscures your focus and makes you believe that what you have isn't good enough. so you're all like, "what's wrong with my grass?" then your attention strays. you begin to see things that aren't really there or that you may have overlooked before. you judge. you undermine. you neglect. and soon, that ole fake grass on the other side really does look greener. it's taller and more plush; fuller, prettier. better.
or is it?
see, there's nothing wrong with your grass. or your fence. and looks really can be deceivin. the truth is you don't really know anythin about that grass. and you may get on that other side and realize it's really painted rocks. or broken glass. or a pile of rags. so i go back to what i said earlier: mind your own damn grass.
when i left home, my mom had jus had her yard trimmed. it was vastly overgrown when we first moved in and was really high. the pathway from the bottom of the stairs and driveway and to the front door were all but hidden under they swayin stalks. we walked on top of some, over some and around some to get to where we needed to go. but the grass prevailed. it kept right on growin and thrivin and didn't pay us one bit of mind. because it did't really need us to grow. it was here first. we met it here when we came. but it needed to be nurtured and cared for and taken care of. so that's what mom did.
there is NOTHING wrong with my grass. it was growin and thrivin and doin it's own thing all fine by itself. it was here when others came along. it's beautiful grass. and people wanted to lay claim to it. but if you're gonna stake a fence around a patch of grass, then dammit, take care of it. be gentle with it. nurture it. have the patience to trim back the weeds and undergrowth. and above all, water it.
because grass really doesn't need anyone to take care of it. it's a survivor. that's what grass does. it survives. in spite of all the things that can and often will happen to hinder it's progress, it doesn't quit. it keeps on tryin its best to grow. and thrive. and flourish. but it will accept your help. and patience and gentleness. your kindness and tender lovin care.
the grass isn't greener because it's on the other side. it looks greener because you didn't take the time to water yours.
the grass is green where you water it . . . so mind your own damn grass.
it may jus be thirsty.
23 January, 2018
It's Just Stuff
for those of you who are new to this page; welcome!
for those of you who are willin to give me another chance; thanks!
2017 was a roller coaster of a ride for me, to say the very least. i tried to restart (again) this blogging thing but alas, life got the better of me (again). so here i am, again. in my defense, it really was a wild ride of a year - i became an auntie twice, continued datin, stopped goin to my long-time church, got engaged, began to plan for a wedding, went to visit my fiance', survived 2 category 5 hurricanes, left my job, and tried to locate to the states.
whew!
currently, i'm really back at square one with a lot of things in my life because, well, life happens. people change, things don't go the way we hoped for or expected them to and you can either continue to cry over it or you can try to pick up the remainin pieces of your life and see how to get them to fit again. if i'm gonna be honest, i'm kinda doin both right now. aside from the passing and subsequent aftermath of the strongest storm in the history of the atlantic hurricane seasons, things were bad, but didn't seem impossible to recover from. i guess in reality, i was numb from the whole experience. in hindsight that's exactly what happened and even though i thought i was normal, i really wasn't. jus takin things one day at a time wasn't enough to heal the trauma of the situations and the survival mood that you're shifted into when somethin like that happens to you. homes were destroyed, families were altered, lives were lost . . . and the home i had was no longer the home i knew anymore. it had changed and was different. i had changed. and i am different.
my mom and i were livin together before the first storm. we rode that beast out together, holdin each other while singin and prayin under my sister's mattress in the inner bathroom as the world we knew came crashin down around us. the three story buildin we lived in shook with the force of the wind whippin around inside and out. all the glass windows were blown out; the cabinets in the kitchen were torn off and all the plates and cups and spices and everythin else were swirlin in the tornado of our kitchen. the fridge was jammed into the hallway and blocked our path through the front door. we tried three times to leave out the back way from my sister's bedroom but by the time we made it down to the second level the passageway of those apartments made it impossible for us to get past the wind and rain and debris funnelin through. so we returned and waited, listenin to the walls creak and groan, feelin the floor quakin beneath our bodies on the floor. it felt like forever.
and then it was gone.
Irma passed. but she also took. when we realized that it was over and finally came outside, all we could do was thank God that we had been spared. to see the devastation, the destruction, the damage . . . never in my wildest dreams would i have been able to imagine what i saw. the crazy part of all this is that this was not my first hurricane experience.i had been through Hugo in '89; Marilyn in '95. but this, this was not real to me. this couldn't have happened. but it did.
and then came Maria. what Irma didn't finish, Maria completed. people with no roofs were now flooded out. the last little bit of shelter or belongings you may have had were finally gone. it was hard to really tell what Maria had really done so soon off the heels of Irma, but we didn't need to see it. we felt it. the dread in your blood hearin the wind again. the ice in the pit of your stomach at the sound of the rain fallin. we didn't need to see what Maria could do. we were still in shock over Irma.
then you have to figure out how to pick up the pieces. if you can find them. my mom and i spent the daylight hours after Irma sortin through plaster that had fallin from the ceilin and pickin up glass from the windows. we swept and mopped and pulled and pushed and hauled out the bits and pieces of furniture and sheet rock and damaged household items while we could see. once the sun set, we heated water on the stove with the gas so we could rinse off in the shower. we ate our small dinner and then went to sleep listenin to the only radio station that was still on the air. it was usually no later than six in the evenin. at sunrise, we would start over, goin from room to room, tryin to sort things out. and then we heard Maria was on her way. my brother was concerned about our safety so he insisted we come and stay with him and his family until the second storm had passed. we didn't leave until December. it was nice to have some semblance of normalcy stayin at my brother's. he had a generator so we had some lights and runnin water. we were able to have cool beverages and maybe a movie or two from his laptop. we played board games and cards and laughed and talked and joked with one another. we did things like "normal" families would. and it felt good to be able to have that in spite of everythin that was still goin on to rebuild and restore.
i left my job because of unforeseen complications with my health as a result of the storms. but i was able to use my time to get things done for my mom or other family members and friends who still had to go to work durin the curfew hours. i could go to the stores or stand in the long long long lines to pick up meds or check the mail or whatever needed to be done before things shut down for the night. and there was a peace of mind about bein useful. of bein helpful and jus bein there in whatever way i could.
things have become less complicated for me since all of this. and i've relearned how to appreciate the simple things again. before Irma arrived my mom and i were scurryin around our apartment tryin to secure stuff so it would be safe. and in the midst of that, a still small voice said to me "it's jus stuff"
i guess that's sorta become a daily matra: It's Just Stuff
i've been tryin to enjoy more time with my family and with myself. i can hear God's voice a little bit clearer now that i'm not as consumed by what i do or do not have. i was never really overly concerned with things, now find that there are things i don't even miss. those storms have shown me the truly important things. and honestly, they're not things at all . . .
for those of you who are willin to give me another chance; thanks!
2017 was a roller coaster of a ride for me, to say the very least. i tried to restart (again) this blogging thing but alas, life got the better of me (again). so here i am, again. in my defense, it really was a wild ride of a year - i became an auntie twice, continued datin, stopped goin to my long-time church, got engaged, began to plan for a wedding, went to visit my fiance', survived 2 category 5 hurricanes, left my job, and tried to locate to the states.
whew!
currently, i'm really back at square one with a lot of things in my life because, well, life happens. people change, things don't go the way we hoped for or expected them to and you can either continue to cry over it or you can try to pick up the remainin pieces of your life and see how to get them to fit again. if i'm gonna be honest, i'm kinda doin both right now. aside from the passing and subsequent aftermath of the strongest storm in the history of the atlantic hurricane seasons, things were bad, but didn't seem impossible to recover from. i guess in reality, i was numb from the whole experience. in hindsight that's exactly what happened and even though i thought i was normal, i really wasn't. jus takin things one day at a time wasn't enough to heal the trauma of the situations and the survival mood that you're shifted into when somethin like that happens to you. homes were destroyed, families were altered, lives were lost . . . and the home i had was no longer the home i knew anymore. it had changed and was different. i had changed. and i am different.
my mom and i were livin together before the first storm. we rode that beast out together, holdin each other while singin and prayin under my sister's mattress in the inner bathroom as the world we knew came crashin down around us. the three story buildin we lived in shook with the force of the wind whippin around inside and out. all the glass windows were blown out; the cabinets in the kitchen were torn off and all the plates and cups and spices and everythin else were swirlin in the tornado of our kitchen. the fridge was jammed into the hallway and blocked our path through the front door. we tried three times to leave out the back way from my sister's bedroom but by the time we made it down to the second level the passageway of those apartments made it impossible for us to get past the wind and rain and debris funnelin through. so we returned and waited, listenin to the walls creak and groan, feelin the floor quakin beneath our bodies on the floor. it felt like forever.
and then it was gone.
Irma passed. but she also took. when we realized that it was over and finally came outside, all we could do was thank God that we had been spared. to see the devastation, the destruction, the damage . . . never in my wildest dreams would i have been able to imagine what i saw. the crazy part of all this is that this was not my first hurricane experience.i had been through Hugo in '89; Marilyn in '95. but this, this was not real to me. this couldn't have happened. but it did.
and then came Maria. what Irma didn't finish, Maria completed. people with no roofs were now flooded out. the last little bit of shelter or belongings you may have had were finally gone. it was hard to really tell what Maria had really done so soon off the heels of Irma, but we didn't need to see it. we felt it. the dread in your blood hearin the wind again. the ice in the pit of your stomach at the sound of the rain fallin. we didn't need to see what Maria could do. we were still in shock over Irma.
then you have to figure out how to pick up the pieces. if you can find them. my mom and i spent the daylight hours after Irma sortin through plaster that had fallin from the ceilin and pickin up glass from the windows. we swept and mopped and pulled and pushed and hauled out the bits and pieces of furniture and sheet rock and damaged household items while we could see. once the sun set, we heated water on the stove with the gas so we could rinse off in the shower. we ate our small dinner and then went to sleep listenin to the only radio station that was still on the air. it was usually no later than six in the evenin. at sunrise, we would start over, goin from room to room, tryin to sort things out. and then we heard Maria was on her way. my brother was concerned about our safety so he insisted we come and stay with him and his family until the second storm had passed. we didn't leave until December. it was nice to have some semblance of normalcy stayin at my brother's. he had a generator so we had some lights and runnin water. we were able to have cool beverages and maybe a movie or two from his laptop. we played board games and cards and laughed and talked and joked with one another. we did things like "normal" families would. and it felt good to be able to have that in spite of everythin that was still goin on to rebuild and restore.
i left my job because of unforeseen complications with my health as a result of the storms. but i was able to use my time to get things done for my mom or other family members and friends who still had to go to work durin the curfew hours. i could go to the stores or stand in the long long long lines to pick up meds or check the mail or whatever needed to be done before things shut down for the night. and there was a peace of mind about bein useful. of bein helpful and jus bein there in whatever way i could.
things have become less complicated for me since all of this. and i've relearned how to appreciate the simple things again. before Irma arrived my mom and i were scurryin around our apartment tryin to secure stuff so it would be safe. and in the midst of that, a still small voice said to me "it's jus stuff"
i guess that's sorta become a daily matra: It's Just Stuff
i've been tryin to enjoy more time with my family and with myself. i can hear God's voice a little bit clearer now that i'm not as consumed by what i do or do not have. i was never really overly concerned with things, now find that there are things i don't even miss. those storms have shown me the truly important things. and honestly, they're not things at all . . .
14 January, 2016
Third Times a Charm . . .
I've heard it said that the road to hell is paved with good intentions. If that's the case, guess I have a golden brick road. But that's a tale for another time. Here I am again, at the beginning of another brand new year, intendin to keep up with this blogger thing.
Pray for me y'all . . .
So, a year in review ~
January: Had a HUGE breakup/fallout with a friend
February: Dealin with said issue
March: Interviewed for another job
April: Started new job at the end of April
May: Settlin in at the new gig
June: Becomin move involved at my home church
July: Moved into my own apartment
August: Tried to plan 2 baby showers
September : My god-son George is born; Kinda started datin someone
October: Passed my probation at work
November: Preppin for the holidays
December: Holidays spent with the fam at my new crib
Like how I snuck in that whole datin thing, huh?
Oh, I forgot to mention that my computer died and I spent the rest of the year without one. I was finally able to get one on a trip to Chicago, but we can talk about that later.
So, here we are again. I pledge to do better with this, I promise. I even have some handy dandy notes and tips for successful completion of my goal to be a better blogger. Not for the fortune or fame of it, but jus for the simple peace of mind and to be the voice of someone who may not be brave enough to share how they really feel. I hope I can do that. Like I said earlier, Pray for me . . .
Pray for me y'all . . .
So, a year in review ~
January: Had a HUGE breakup/fallout with a friend
February: Dealin with said issue
March: Interviewed for another job
April: Started new job at the end of April
May: Settlin in at the new gig
June: Becomin move involved at my home church
July: Moved into my own apartment
August: Tried to plan 2 baby showers
September : My god-son George is born; Kinda started datin someone
October: Passed my probation at work
November: Preppin for the holidays
December: Holidays spent with the fam at my new crib
Like how I snuck in that whole datin thing, huh?
Oh, I forgot to mention that my computer died and I spent the rest of the year without one. I was finally able to get one on a trip to Chicago, but we can talk about that later.
So, here we are again. I pledge to do better with this, I promise. I even have some handy dandy notes and tips for successful completion of my goal to be a better blogger. Not for the fortune or fame of it, but jus for the simple peace of mind and to be the voice of someone who may not be brave enough to share how they really feel. I hope I can do that. Like I said earlier, Pray for me . . .
10 January, 2015
Happy 2015
happy new year!
a new year is a chance for new beginnings and new adventures. a time for new alliances, alligences and for makin all your plans and aspirations reality. it's also the perfect time for new friendships and relationships. even if you're jus renewin an old connection or tryin to make some new ones, there's jus somethin about the afterglow from the holiday season that gives people that extra somethin they need to venture out there and jus . . . try.
so, i've been hangin out a little bit more since my return from workin away for the summer and i've noticed that i'm bein noticed. it's comin from all directions, all at once, in places and in circumstances that i never would have paid attention to before. it's flatterin to say the least, but i have begun to wonder: is there really somethin different about me? hmmm
anywho, as of this moment, i'm still single. i've been living back home here for three years now and i have to say, it's not as bad as i'd imagined. i have met a few possibles but story of my life, they remained jus shy of becomin more. i guess it's jus one of those things where you sit back, take a look around and wonder jus what in the hell happened? i mean, this is before my trip. i thought i was doin pretty good. but bein away, even for only a few months, has revealed things about myself to myself that i really should have known and been practicin all along. i didn't need an online article or some celebrity written book to tell me how to have interpersonal relationships or intimate ones. it appears all i've had to do is be who i've always been. walk taller, hold my head higher. listen to my heart over the clamor of those who assume they know what i want or what's best for me. there was someone i forgot i knew when i got back here. she got lost in the shuffle of tryin to remember how to be happy with me. she forgot how to take pleasure in simple things, to enjoy her own company. how to jus be comfortable in her own skin. but, i found her. buried under all the things that made me unhappy, the things i was doin to make everyone else happy was smothering her, crushin her under the impossible weight of people pleasin. once i separated myself from the noise and confusion and the constant tuggin of bein pulled in every possible direction, i had no choice but to sit still in a quiet place and then i could hear her. and she told me the things i forgot i knew.
now that i've had a few more months of listenin to her and actually doin what she says, maybe that's the difference that everyone else is seein. i'm different to them because i'm free. i do what i want, with who i want, when or where i want and it's exactly what i should be doin. i'm happy, less stressed and way more relaxed than i've been a long long time. and that's jus fine with me . . .
03 December, 2014
I'm Back
Happy 2014!!!
This year I affirm:
1. To be More Positive
2. To be Kinder to Myself and by extension, Everyone else
3. To treat Everyone else the way that I deserve to be treated
4. To say what I mean and to mean what I say
5. To keep in touch better
6. To be More Patient
7. To be More Open to New Experiences
8. To be Serene
9. To Drink more Water
10. To Have more Faith . . .
These could be called Resolutions, but this is my list and I like Affirmations better. What do you Affirm to do in 2014?
This year I affirm:
1. To be More Positive
2. To be Kinder to Myself and by extension, Everyone else
3. To treat Everyone else the way that I deserve to be treated
4. To say what I mean and to mean what I say
5. To keep in touch better
6. To be More Patient
7. To be More Open to New Experiences
8. To be Serene
9. To Drink more Water
10. To Have more Faith . . .
These could be called Resolutions, but this is my list and I like Affirmations better. What do you Affirm to do in 2014?
yes, i realize that we still have a few weeks to go yet before 2015 gets here. but seein as i jus had a birthday, i say Happy New Year to Me! so many things have happened, not jus since the last time i was here but also since i wrote this list. and i have to say that i have actually accomplished all of the things i put here.
*wow*
so, let me catch you up. since my last "visit", i got settled into the new gig pretty good. i spent the summer gettin comfortable with the duties and my coworkers. was able to reacquaint myself with bein back home fairly well. by the time our tourist season rolled around in the late fall, i was confident enough that i decided to try my hand at goin to Alaska for their season come summer. i made it a personal goal that i hoped to be able to accomplish before maybe lookin for somethin new. so when they sent out the papers for interested parties, i quietly submitted my request, crossin my fingers with hope.
i was about to go to lunch when my supervisor called me to say they needed to meet with me first thing the followin mornin. i jus started smilin because inside i knew i was goin to Alaska. when i met with her and the HR director, i got my confirmation and roughly a month to prepare. that meant tryin to decide what to take, a schedule change to work in the flagship store so i could get used to the increased pace and workload of the Juneau store and jus mental preparation. goin to Alaska meant i would miss Carnival and a few other events over the summer that i was interested in but eh. You been to one Carnival, you pretty much know what to expect so I'm sure I didn't miss much. besides, how many people do you know who can say that they've been to Alaska?
i have to say that Juneau was what i expected but also not what i expected. i knew it would be cold. i knew the days would be longer than bein at home. i didn't realize that it would be so beautiful. i was pleasantly surprised at how easy it was to get along with the new staff and how much downtown Juneau reminded me of home. of course there were times when things didn't go smoothly but they were few and far between. i believe because i went with an open mind that my overall experience was pleasant enough that i'd be more than happy to return.
so now, here i am. back at home, back to work, and yes back at square one. i met a few people but those encounters aren't really worth mentionin. i guess because i've been more focused on bein a better me, i jus didn't have the time or energy for those interactions. and i'm even a little more skeptical than i was before i left. now that i'm back from AK, it seems that I'm gettin a lot of attention. i'll admit; i have changed. my shoulders are back, my chin is up, my smile is brighter. i've heard that i seem different. that somethin's changed. perhaps that may be true. or maybe i'm jus rediscoverin someone that i thought i'd never see again. there is more pep in my step, more sway in my sashay. i see them lookin and it makes me smile, both inside and out. whatever it is, i'm stickin with it. i'd be lyin if i said havin all eyes on me isn't kinda nice . . .
21 February, 2013
Allow Me to Re-Introduce Myself
so, hello again. every time i get on here, i have to apologize for being a bad blogger. now that i've gotten that out of the way . . .
i hope that everyone had a great holiday season and that the new year has been good to you so far. as for me, i'm pleased to report that i'm once again a responsible adult and i'm gainfully employed. i've been workin long enough to be out of my probation period, so i could use the new gig as an excuse for not writing, but that's not the only thing. i like the interactions i have with my coworkers and customers. sometimes i forget how much fun it is. and although it's not typically a good idea to date coworkers, i have to admit the thought is very intriguin. there's quite a bit of cuteness goin on . . .
that new prospect i had, yeah. let's just say it was simply that. a prospect. even with all the potential in this sphere of existence, things just had a way of showin me that maybe it wasn't quite what i had in mind. there are some things that i jus don't understand when i think about how things ended up. but then again, if i did understand how it worked, i'd be bloggin about other things entirely.
but overall, life here in paradise is still grand and i remain amazed at the beauty that surrounds me. beauty that tourists spend thousands of dollars to borrow for a day or more that i can enjoy unlimitedly. well, at least for right now. one of my goals is to be a better blogger (yeah yeah, i know), and to be so kick ass at my job that around this time next year, i'll be ready for another adventure . . .
i hope that everyone had a great holiday season and that the new year has been good to you so far. as for me, i'm pleased to report that i'm once again a responsible adult and i'm gainfully employed. i've been workin long enough to be out of my probation period, so i could use the new gig as an excuse for not writing, but that's not the only thing. i like the interactions i have with my coworkers and customers. sometimes i forget how much fun it is. and although it's not typically a good idea to date coworkers, i have to admit the thought is very intriguin. there's quite a bit of cuteness goin on . . .
that new prospect i had, yeah. let's just say it was simply that. a prospect. even with all the potential in this sphere of existence, things just had a way of showin me that maybe it wasn't quite what i had in mind. there are some things that i jus don't understand when i think about how things ended up. but then again, if i did understand how it worked, i'd be bloggin about other things entirely.
but overall, life here in paradise is still grand and i remain amazed at the beauty that surrounds me. beauty that tourists spend thousands of dollars to borrow for a day or more that i can enjoy unlimitedly. well, at least for right now. one of my goals is to be a better blogger (yeah yeah, i know), and to be so kick ass at my job that around this time next year, i'll be ready for another adventure . . .
22 August, 2012
Back at One
so, here i am again. have you ever looked at your life and thought, "this is sooo not where i expected/thought i would be right now?" well i find myself doin jus that quite often as of late. i have not givin up completely and admittingly, that would be the much easier way out. bein the woman that i am, however, does not interpret easy. i still haven't quite figured out how to do things half-assed. in most ways, that's a very good thing. so as i sit here and listen to the first wave of weather that may or may not develop into a hurricane, i find myself in this contemplative place in my mind where i try to understand how i ended up here. emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually. i guess that's why they say if you want to make God smile, tell Him your plans . . .
all things considered, i could be a lot worse off. i'm still not employed full time, still tryin to figure out if it's worth it dealin with the opposite sex, still tryin to cope with bein back home in the islands and everythin that entails. but like i've learned, it could always be worse. and so i find myself doin "mindless" activities so that my synapses are always firin away and so i can actually sleep at night. insomnia is always on the fringes of my consciousness, waitin for the witchin hour to barrage my brain with all the random, unprocessed thoughts i've managed to avoid these past couple of months.
i'm still a work in progress and there are still things i wish would have worked out a different way. but every experience is a lesson; it may take us some time to work out jus what the lesson was, or we may not ever understand it. hopefully, i'll get to that place in my life where it finally begins to make sense. until then, i'm kinda stuck in the "what if?" round-about/intersection of figurin things out. wonderin how things would have turned out if only one thing in an encounter/experience was different. but isn't that how life goes? always pinnin away for that other grass? what if we realize it's all the same grass, but perhaps jus a different fence? hmmm . . .
all things considered, i could be a lot worse off. i'm still not employed full time, still tryin to figure out if it's worth it dealin with the opposite sex, still tryin to cope with bein back home in the islands and everythin that entails. but like i've learned, it could always be worse. and so i find myself doin "mindless" activities so that my synapses are always firin away and so i can actually sleep at night. insomnia is always on the fringes of my consciousness, waitin for the witchin hour to barrage my brain with all the random, unprocessed thoughts i've managed to avoid these past couple of months.
i'm still a work in progress and there are still things i wish would have worked out a different way. but every experience is a lesson; it may take us some time to work out jus what the lesson was, or we may not ever understand it. hopefully, i'll get to that place in my life where it finally begins to make sense. until then, i'm kinda stuck in the "what if?" round-about/intersection of figurin things out. wonderin how things would have turned out if only one thing in an encounter/experience was different. but isn't that how life goes? always pinnin away for that other grass? what if we realize it's all the same grass, but perhaps jus a different fence? hmmm . . .
04 June, 2012
Reasons
i have been a very bad blogger. good thing this isn't a payin gig, huh? well life goes on here, much as it has been goin on in the whole wide world. challenges arise and are either met or shied away from.
last time i was here, i was still hopeful and relatively optimistic about several things. i humbly announce that most of that has changed and not necessarily for the better. as i previously stated, there's a reason why i'm a skeptical romantic. the idea of bein in a relationship and sharin parts of your life and self with another is at times, grandly appealin. then you realize it's only appealin in theory. unless you are honest with and appreciate yourself, you are in no position to be honest with or appreciate another person. that bein said, you can at least make a concentrated effort if you are truly well and tired of bein alone and sincerely desire to participate in the interactions which make up a relationship. it all begins with YOU. acceptance and forgiveness of past misdeeds/mistakes are the first steps in repairin any damage you may need to release before you present yourself as a prospect for romantic involvement. you must be able to talk about and express your own emotions before you can attempt to process those of anyone else.
now, please don't think that i'm some perfect poster-child for relationships. re-read the above paragraph and fill in the blanks as needed. i can however admit that i am still workin on some of the very things which have seemed to cause a sudden rift in the development of my new "relationship" and can also add that hey, it really wasn't me this time. i know i have issues that are still quite unresolved, but i'm human and i really am workin on them. but i have achieved that place of acknowledgement of my flaws, faults and shortcomings. i know what i still have to work on and i have accepted that this is me and i may still be too much to handle. but at least i'm tryin.
so, if you must know, i haven't been in contact with previously mentioned beau in about a month. i am respectin the request made by said beau and although i am quite confused by words and actions of this person, i have glimpsed where and why these things have come to pass in the manner they have. it would be easy to jus say eff this and move on, but when have i ever done somethin that was easy for me? it sucks bein an empathetic person, so although i'm not sittin by the phone twiddlin my thumbs, i cannot seem to summon the bitterness that i used to have. if/when our paths cross again (as they inevitably will livin on such a small island), the light within me will smile and say hello. i'm still a lady after all. and skeptic though i may be, i'll admit i'm still hopeful that next time, things will be different.
guess we'll see . . .
last time i was here, i was still hopeful and relatively optimistic about several things. i humbly announce that most of that has changed and not necessarily for the better. as i previously stated, there's a reason why i'm a skeptical romantic. the idea of bein in a relationship and sharin parts of your life and self with another is at times, grandly appealin. then you realize it's only appealin in theory. unless you are honest with and appreciate yourself, you are in no position to be honest with or appreciate another person. that bein said, you can at least make a concentrated effort if you are truly well and tired of bein alone and sincerely desire to participate in the interactions which make up a relationship. it all begins with YOU. acceptance and forgiveness of past misdeeds/mistakes are the first steps in repairin any damage you may need to release before you present yourself as a prospect for romantic involvement. you must be able to talk about and express your own emotions before you can attempt to process those of anyone else.
now, please don't think that i'm some perfect poster-child for relationships. re-read the above paragraph and fill in the blanks as needed. i can however admit that i am still workin on some of the very things which have seemed to cause a sudden rift in the development of my new "relationship" and can also add that hey, it really wasn't me this time. i know i have issues that are still quite unresolved, but i'm human and i really am workin on them. but i have achieved that place of acknowledgement of my flaws, faults and shortcomings. i know what i still have to work on and i have accepted that this is me and i may still be too much to handle. but at least i'm tryin.
so, if you must know, i haven't been in contact with previously mentioned beau in about a month. i am respectin the request made by said beau and although i am quite confused by words and actions of this person, i have glimpsed where and why these things have come to pass in the manner they have. it would be easy to jus say eff this and move on, but when have i ever done somethin that was easy for me? it sucks bein an empathetic person, so although i'm not sittin by the phone twiddlin my thumbs, i cannot seem to summon the bitterness that i used to have. if/when our paths cross again (as they inevitably will livin on such a small island), the light within me will smile and say hello. i'm still a lady after all. and skeptic though i may be, i'll admit i'm still hopeful that next time, things will be different.
guess we'll see . . .
12 April, 2012
Patience
so, it's been a month to the day since i last said somethin. and trust me, i have plenty to say. as of my last entry, i lost my job, gained a very handsome prospect for a relationship and finally got my crate full of things from my old life. so i've jus been kinda chillin. on a sabbatical of sorts. i could complain about how much it sucks bein out of work, but i'm not. i could rave on and on about my new beau, but i'm not gonna do that either. i could even complain about tryin to decompress from sortin through all the boxes and bags in my crate. but y'all don't wanna hear any of that, right?
so as i've been sittin here for the past month, i've been doin some introspection and jus takin stock of myself, as a person. i've rediscovered that i have an amazingly supportive and understandin woman for my mother. i've learned that my sixteen year old "baby" sister is funny and smart and interestin at times, as well as a typical moody teenager. my family is warm and open, old friends are pretty much the same as they were when i left home. and while some of the landscape is different, it's still home, sweet, home.
i'm not worried about workin. i know that i'm employable and when the right job opens up for me, i'll get it. i haven't exactly been slouchin around all day, eatin bon bons and watchin reruns on tv. i have been to the grindstone but with the local government here seemingly on the very verge of collapse, there's been a hirin freeze within most of the departments. but, there's always the hotels. or restaurants. or jewelry stores. or any of the other tourist-oriented venues here set up to make money.
i'll find somethin. or like last time i looked, somethin will find me. isn't that usually what happens when you're not lookin? somethin totally unexpected or unassumin or wonderful jus kinda falls into your lap? sounds like my new beau . . .
but y'all don't wanna hear about that, right?
so as i've been sittin here for the past month, i've been doin some introspection and jus takin stock of myself, as a person. i've rediscovered that i have an amazingly supportive and understandin woman for my mother. i've learned that my sixteen year old "baby" sister is funny and smart and interestin at times, as well as a typical moody teenager. my family is warm and open, old friends are pretty much the same as they were when i left home. and while some of the landscape is different, it's still home, sweet, home.
i'm not worried about workin. i know that i'm employable and when the right job opens up for me, i'll get it. i haven't exactly been slouchin around all day, eatin bon bons and watchin reruns on tv. i have been to the grindstone but with the local government here seemingly on the very verge of collapse, there's been a hirin freeze within most of the departments. but, there's always the hotels. or restaurants. or jewelry stores. or any of the other tourist-oriented venues here set up to make money.
i'll find somethin. or like last time i looked, somethin will find me. isn't that usually what happens when you're not lookin? somethin totally unexpected or unassumin or wonderful jus kinda falls into your lap? sounds like my new beau . . .
but y'all don't wanna hear about that, right?
12 March, 2012
Tested
"no good deed goes unpunished..."
if you're ever tried to help someone or tried to find your way out of a difficult situation, you may have experienced this. it seems like the more you try to be a good person, the more things seem to go wrong for you. whether you believe in a higher power or not, whether you believe in karma or not, whether you believe in coincidence or not, there are times when everything that can or will go wrong does. that doesn't mean, however, that you stop being the person you know you are and give in to despair or cease to do the things you know to be good or right. it is in times such as these, that you cling even stronger to your morals. that you believe even more in your higher power. that you search even deeper within yourself and find the resolve to see the good works you began through to the end. it will not be easy. you may not have help. you may not even be acknowledged for your efforts . . .
but, you do it anyway.
in the end, you will be a stronger person. more resolute and determined to make a difference in the lives of others. more faith-filled and faithful. the things that happen to us may or may not have been the result of something we did. for every action there is an equal reaction, but the key is to be proactive instead of reactive. we need to realize that we have been and will be tested so we can have a testimony. so we can share our experiences of how we strengthened ourselves in order to offer strength to others. we go through the fire to show ourselves approved, to be cleansed and purified. refined. you may feel like a piece of coal now, but remember that when pressure is applied to coal, it creates a diamond.
be prepared to watch me sparkle and shine . . .
if you're ever tried to help someone or tried to find your way out of a difficult situation, you may have experienced this. it seems like the more you try to be a good person, the more things seem to go wrong for you. whether you believe in a higher power or not, whether you believe in karma or not, whether you believe in coincidence or not, there are times when everything that can or will go wrong does. that doesn't mean, however, that you stop being the person you know you are and give in to despair or cease to do the things you know to be good or right. it is in times such as these, that you cling even stronger to your morals. that you believe even more in your higher power. that you search even deeper within yourself and find the resolve to see the good works you began through to the end. it will not be easy. you may not have help. you may not even be acknowledged for your efforts . . .
but, you do it anyway.
in the end, you will be a stronger person. more resolute and determined to make a difference in the lives of others. more faith-filled and faithful. the things that happen to us may or may not have been the result of something we did. for every action there is an equal reaction, but the key is to be proactive instead of reactive. we need to realize that we have been and will be tested so we can have a testimony. so we can share our experiences of how we strengthened ourselves in order to offer strength to others. we go through the fire to show ourselves approved, to be cleansed and purified. refined. you may feel like a piece of coal now, but remember that when pressure is applied to coal, it creates a diamond.
be prepared to watch me sparkle and shine . . .
26 February, 2012
Deciding
so, i met someone. i was mindin my own business, while at work no less, and in walked him. have you ever seen someone and you just knew that this person was gonna be in your life for a while? well, that's what happened. now of course, bein a skeptic, i wasn't sure how this meetin was gonna play out. see, i've been in a quite similar situation. a few years ago i met another someone and knew from the moment our eyes met, somethin was bound to happen. and happen it did, just not in the way or manner i had initially hoped.
well, here i am again. and as i took notice of this someone i was pleasantly surprised that this someone had also noticed me. even though i was at work. even though i wasn't all dolled up or decked out like i am if i plan to go out. and even though other people have noticed me before, this was different. somethin clicked. somethin sparked and sizzled. and i think it's safe to say i like it.
so this should be the part where i get all excited and have flutters of anticipation. this should be where i can't wait until the next time i get to see this someone or talk to them. where my phone chimes with a text or rings with a selected tone so i know exactly who is tryin to reach me, and i can't stop smilin. it's supposed to be where we are tryin to spend time gettin to know each other better and clear our schedules so we can have time to be together.
i'm happy to report that we have been doin exactly that . . .
well, here i am again. and as i took notice of this someone i was pleasantly surprised that this someone had also noticed me. even though i was at work. even though i wasn't all dolled up or decked out like i am if i plan to go out. and even though other people have noticed me before, this was different. somethin clicked. somethin sparked and sizzled. and i think it's safe to say i like it.
so this should be the part where i get all excited and have flutters of anticipation. this should be where i can't wait until the next time i get to see this someone or talk to them. where my phone chimes with a text or rings with a selected tone so i know exactly who is tryin to reach me, and i can't stop smilin. it's supposed to be where we are tryin to spend time gettin to know each other better and clear our schedules so we can have time to be together.
i'm happy to report that we have been doin exactly that . . .
18 February, 2012
The New Toy
watch kids play. they take their time, perusin the toys in the box. sometimes they share, sometimes they don't. there are kids who like to play alone and then there are those who will form little groups. some are swappers and others prefer to not look in the box at all. either way, most of the toys get a turn. but then, there is the new toy. it's that elusive object that you may have had your eye on, that someone else is hoggin all to themselves. it's that toy that seems shiny and new and unused. and all of a sudden, EVERYONE wants a turn. suddenly, there are yelps and screams and cries for this fascinatin item . . .
meet the new toy.
it's been quite a while since i've actually lived here. i've been home on yearly visits, but now that i'm here to stay it seems like i'm gettin a lot of attention. i'm usually mindin my own business and along will come some person (read guy). this person may try to strike up a conversation or just say somethin "witty" or "charmin". and me being me, i have realized that it takes quite a bit of courage to not only approach a lady, but to actually talk to her. this means that i'm gonna participate. i may smile, i may laugh but i always try to say somethin. you can't imagine the looks of relief i get when i do somethin as simple as acknowledgin that someone is talkin to me. it's crazy how appreciative people (read guys) are when you reply to "hello" or "good mornin" or "how are you?" it's insane!
but by far, the most interestin reaction to me simply bein myself, is how other people (read women) respond. apparently, i missed the memo about not speakin. i'm not supposed to be approachable or cordial. i'm not supposed to smile, or laugh, or reply to any words or gestures made towards me. i'm not supposed to be the one to initiate any encounters either. this confounds me.
i'm not out to break up any relationships nor to lead anyone on. i am just bein me. i can't help it if guys seem to sense that i'm not gonna roll my eyes or walk away the minute they stand next to me or open their mouths. i like people. i like talkin to people and meetin new people. i like laughin and smilin and makin people comfortable.
new toy in the toybox . . .
meet the new toy.
it's been quite a while since i've actually lived here. i've been home on yearly visits, but now that i'm here to stay it seems like i'm gettin a lot of attention. i'm usually mindin my own business and along will come some person (read guy). this person may try to strike up a conversation or just say somethin "witty" or "charmin". and me being me, i have realized that it takes quite a bit of courage to not only approach a lady, but to actually talk to her. this means that i'm gonna participate. i may smile, i may laugh but i always try to say somethin. you can't imagine the looks of relief i get when i do somethin as simple as acknowledgin that someone is talkin to me. it's crazy how appreciative people (read guys) are when you reply to "hello" or "good mornin" or "how are you?" it's insane!
but by far, the most interestin reaction to me simply bein myself, is how other people (read women) respond. apparently, i missed the memo about not speakin. i'm not supposed to be approachable or cordial. i'm not supposed to smile, or laugh, or reply to any words or gestures made towards me. i'm not supposed to be the one to initiate any encounters either. this confounds me.
i'm not out to break up any relationships nor to lead anyone on. i am just bein me. i can't help it if guys seem to sense that i'm not gonna roll my eyes or walk away the minute they stand next to me or open their mouths. i like people. i like talkin to people and meetin new people. i like laughin and smilin and makin people comfortable.
new toy in the toybox . . .
10 January, 2012
Undecided
so, i've been back home for almost two months now. i've been out with my sister a few times, strolled around solo a few times and i must say, the only eye~candy to be seen are when there are cruise ships. seriously. even if i was considerin the whole datin thing, how in the world am i supposed to be inspired if there aren't any prospects? i used to laugh at my sister all the time when she would lament this to me. but i don't think i really believed her. i thought she was just exaggeratin it. now i see for myself.
*sigh*
so, while the thought of even bein friendlier has crossed my mind, i must admit i'm havin second thoughts. see the problem with bein back home and wantin to date is, well, there are quite a few problems with this. first, the pickings are uber~slim (read married). second, the guys are uber~young. third, the ones that aren't too young are loaded with issues (read kids, baby mamas, girlfriends, wives . . .). and finally, if they aren't a combination of the above mentioned, then it's someone you went to school with who acts like they are still in school and thinks you don't know anythin about the things i just said.
*shakin my head*
now don't get me wrong; it was by no means any easier for me livin in the states. but by bein back at home, i have cut my chances at meetin someone i'd even consider by more than half. livin in such a small geographical location leaves much to be desired when one is on the lookout. and some of us refuse to settle or share. and that's pretty much what your options are here.
so what's a girl to do . . .
*sigh*
so, while the thought of even bein friendlier has crossed my mind, i must admit i'm havin second thoughts. see the problem with bein back home and wantin to date is, well, there are quite a few problems with this. first, the pickings are uber~slim (read married). second, the guys are uber~young. third, the ones that aren't too young are loaded with issues (read kids, baby mamas, girlfriends, wives . . .). and finally, if they aren't a combination of the above mentioned, then it's someone you went to school with who acts like they are still in school and thinks you don't know anythin about the things i just said.
*shakin my head*
now don't get me wrong; it was by no means any easier for me livin in the states. but by bein back at home, i have cut my chances at meetin someone i'd even consider by more than half. livin in such a small geographical location leaves much to be desired when one is on the lookout. and some of us refuse to settle or share. and that's pretty much what your options are here.
so what's a girl to do . . .
08 January, 2012
One of those Days
have you ever woken up and before you even get out of the bed, you just knew that the day is gonna suck? well, today kinda seemed like it would be like that, but i decided i didn't want that kinda day. yesterday was okay; i actually went to work and spent the rest of the afternoon with my mom and sister. we had lunch and watched a marathon of the "Ghost Whisperer". marathons are exhaustin, even if it is a show you like to watch. by the time we got home, i was tired and just felt kind of bummed out. not too sure why the melancholy, but it was there and it went to bed with me. so when i got up today, i felt like i didn't want to get out of bed. i just wanted to lay there and wallow. i have no idea where the pity party came from. no clue as to why i suddenly felt all 'woe is me'. so i closed my eyes, took some deep breaths and said ' let's try this again, shall we?'
*breathe in, breathe out*
so after goin to church, i'm here and although i can still feel the sourness lingerin, i'm not gonna let it ruin the rest of my lovely day. it's gorgeous here; the sun is shinin, the waters are azure blue and life is good, even when you don't feel like it is . . .
*breathe in, breathe out*
so after goin to church, i'm here and although i can still feel the sourness lingerin, i'm not gonna let it ruin the rest of my lovely day. it's gorgeous here; the sun is shinin, the waters are azure blue and life is good, even when you don't feel like it is . . .
07 January, 2012
Quality Time
yesterday, i had planned to do some writin. with all the free time i now have, i figured hey, why not? so i was sittin here, fiddlin on the computer (read tweetin and vistin albums on facebook) and as soon as i was about to get to work, my baby sister comes out of her room.
"wanna go with me today?" i look around to be sure that A: i hadn't dozed off and B: that there was no one else in the room
"um, where are we going?"
"to sing."
if anyone knows me, they know i love to sing. the most shockin thing about this whole situation was the invitation. see, my sister is still in high school. and while my yearly visits have always been a pleasure, i think she's still gettin used to the idea that i'm not leavin this time. she is still processin the fact that i won't be packin up my bags to head off to the airport come sunrise. so i took her up on her invitation to go sing.
we spent most of the day drivin from house to house. turns out, the singin i was invited to do was to go carolin. to go singin with my sister and our church's youth group to some of the elderly that used to attend our church. and while you may be thinkin, "but CHRISTmas is loooong gone already, this here is paradise and yesterday happened to be a local holiday. tradition dictates that for twelve days after CHRISTmas, families still exhange gifts, which represents the trip of the Magi to visit the baby Jesus. the twelfth day after CHRISTmas is called "Three Kings Day" for that reason. so i got to see more of my island home than i have seen in a very long time, i got to sing CHRISTmas carols all day and i got to spend time with my not so baby sister. and it was all her idea. how nice was that?
"wanna go with me today?" i look around to be sure that A: i hadn't dozed off and B: that there was no one else in the room
"um, where are we going?"
"to sing."
if anyone knows me, they know i love to sing. the most shockin thing about this whole situation was the invitation. see, my sister is still in high school. and while my yearly visits have always been a pleasure, i think she's still gettin used to the idea that i'm not leavin this time. she is still processin the fact that i won't be packin up my bags to head off to the airport come sunrise. so i took her up on her invitation to go sing.
we spent most of the day drivin from house to house. turns out, the singin i was invited to do was to go carolin. to go singin with my sister and our church's youth group to some of the elderly that used to attend our church. and while you may be thinkin, "but CHRISTmas is loooong gone already, this here is paradise and yesterday happened to be a local holiday. tradition dictates that for twelve days after CHRISTmas, families still exhange gifts, which represents the trip of the Magi to visit the baby Jesus. the twelfth day after CHRISTmas is called "Three Kings Day" for that reason. so i got to see more of my island home than i have seen in a very long time, i got to sing CHRISTmas carols all day and i got to spend time with my not so baby sister. and it was all her idea. how nice was that?
06 January, 2012
Workin
yesterday was a very productive day. i was online pokin around for a little bit, then i decided to get some writin done. i checked some emails, did a little browsin at some sites i haven't been on in a while, then i had breakfast. i got my little notebook out and popped in my zip drive. i sat for a few minutes to focus, to get my mind back to the place i'd left off from the day before and then i was ready. i played a round of Zuma first though, hee hee. but once i started typin, the words just flowed. they usually do when i get on my keyboard. one of the best things about bein home is i'm like in chill mode. there is no hurryin or scurryin around, no real deadlines or major projects needin my immediate attention. so even if i decide to spend all mornin on a beach somewhere, i still have the rest of the day. or vice versa.
*sigh*
why didn't i do this sooner?
*sigh*
why didn't i do this sooner?
04 January, 2012
Daydreamin . . .
and the sky is pearly grey. it's should be foggy, it should be windy but this here is paradise and the grey won't last forever.
the sun will come out, maybe tomorrow. maybe in an hour. or by the time i get done here. who's to say? i have no control over the weather and even less control of how or where my thoughts will take me.
so i sit, i watch the clouds rollin over the hills, over the waters in the bay, out to the open water. no rhyme or reason to where it came from or where it's goin. kind of like my train of thoughts today.
but that's fine. because this here is pardise. and the grey won't last forever.
but who's to say?
AEW~ CT
the sun will come out, maybe tomorrow. maybe in an hour. or by the time i get done here. who's to say? i have no control over the weather and even less control of how or where my thoughts will take me.
so i sit, i watch the clouds rollin over the hills, over the waters in the bay, out to the open water. no rhyme or reason to where it came from or where it's goin. kind of like my train of thoughts today.
but that's fine. because this here is pardise. and the grey won't last forever.
but who's to say?
AEW~ CT
03 January, 2012
Happy New Year
so, it's 2012. and i have embarked on a new adventure. right before Thanksgiving, i relocated back home. and while to some that may not seem like such a big deal, i haven't lived at home in 12 years. yeah, exactly. so now here i am in a sort of familiar place, with very familiar people, relearnin how to live on "island time".
the pace here is slow compared to livin in the city. but this is not a complaint; more like a sigh of relief. all the hustle and bustle of the states has melted away and while i miss certain conveniences, the pros outweigh the cons for me. i can only speak for myself about bein glad to be back. most people were like, "you came back here?" or simply "why?" funny, but those were the same questions my friends in the states or other people have asked me whenever i told them where i was from. people are hilarious.
so, here i am. i was able to spend Thanksgiving, my birthday, CHRISTmas, and New Years with my family. somethin i haven't done consecutively in 12 years. seems to me like this year is off to a very good start . . .
the pace here is slow compared to livin in the city. but this is not a complaint; more like a sigh of relief. all the hustle and bustle of the states has melted away and while i miss certain conveniences, the pros outweigh the cons for me. i can only speak for myself about bein glad to be back. most people were like, "you came back here?" or simply "why?" funny, but those were the same questions my friends in the states or other people have asked me whenever i told them where i was from. people are hilarious.
so, here i am. i was able to spend Thanksgiving, my birthday, CHRISTmas, and New Years with my family. somethin i haven't done consecutively in 12 years. seems to me like this year is off to a very good start . . .
05 September, 2011
Pieces of Me
been away for a little while. things have been a bit busy but if i'm gonna be honest, i've been gone because i've been tryin not to acknowledge that i've given up. when you give most of your heart away, you have nothin to fall back on but all pieces that have been broken. and those pieces have been piercin and stabbin me for months now. the truth of the matter is most of this i caused on myself. the first time, shame on you. the second, shame on me. so i will bare my shame and my hurt and my anger, turnin it inward and away from others although it would be easier to lash out not everyone deserves my ire. so for the time being, i will keep what little pieces of me i have left. of the pieces that remain, they will never cut me as much as the pieces i gave away. this whole thing is my own fault really. so what now then? nothing. a barren, hollow emptiness. that is all that remains of the place where i used to care. so allow me to apologize in advance if i seem a bit distant. or cold. previous experience has beaten into me that it cost too much to give a shit . . .
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